Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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