hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
