He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
