Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
