Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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