I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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