I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
