I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
