turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
