By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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