If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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