Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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