I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
