we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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