he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I need a beard to bite.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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