i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
