Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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