why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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