Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
