Michael Bay diarrhea
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
