But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
