I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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