Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
