dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
