I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
