Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
