wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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