some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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