his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
