I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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