you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
