I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
