he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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