A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
