Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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