I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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