then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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