how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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