remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
