I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
