He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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