Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
