She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
