My first STD was from a foam party
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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