Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
