Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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