When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
