I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
