Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
