why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
